Luciola - ѕейте нарзан, или „то надо культурному человеку дл€ полного счасть€ (сказка)

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—ообщениејвторƒата/¬рем€
ѕейте нарзан, или „то надо культурному человеку дл€ полного счасть€ (сказка)
Luciolaср 02 май 2012 13:15:50

    “очнее, злобна€ порнографическа€ пароди€ на р€д попул€рных аниме, а также произведени€ √айдара,  ассил€ и прочих советских авторов "пионерской" ориентации.  огда-то € тоже верил в светлые идеалы и чувства, был наивным и искренним, но теперь признаю лишь материальные ценности. ¬от так.

    ¬ старину выпить стакан воды было так же просто, как сейчас удовлетворить половую потребность... /√азета "Ќью ƒейли", 21 августа 2102 года/

    ќдин паренЄк, лет 15, но хороший пилот, летел на такой машине, ну, как самолЄт 30-х годов. ¬друг на него напали сверху сразу два врага на таких машинах, ну скажем, как истребители из фильма "«вЄздные войны". ” них было очень мощное оружие, а у него два пулемЄта, ну типа "максимов". » всего двадцать патронов. „то он сделал. ќтстрелил свои запасные баки и сразу обрушилс€ камнем вниз, а эти спикировали за ним, столкнулись с этими баками и взорвались на мелкие кусочки. Ќаш отважный пилот дот€нул до ближайшего аэродрома, сел на другой пепелац и рванул пр€миком в јрктику. “ам его очень ждали отважные пол€рники. “акже там происходил бой, который вела наша пол€рна€ авиаци€ с врагом, чтобы не допустить его через полюс в наши пол€рные владени€. ¬едущий пилот сорвал шлем, поскольку снежный зар€д посто€нно залепл€л ему авиаторские очки, и крикнул: "«а –одину! «а —талина!" ¬ это врем€ шедший впереди всех линкор "ћарат" (это был пол€рный линкор, такой военный ледокол с атомной силовой установкой) наткнулс€ на мель. —ледом за ним шЄл крейсер "ƒиана". Ќа мостике крейсера сто€ла пламенна€ революционерка –оза Ћюксембург. ќна понюхала алую розу, которую держала в руке, потом поцеловала своего верного штурмана ‘анни  аплан и они выпили по стакану нарзана. ¬ это врем€ –оза Ћюксембург заметила, что впереди неладно. ""ћарат" сел на рифы! ћы щас врежемс€ в него! јртиллери€, товсь! √лавный калибр - бронебойными торпедами! ÷ель - линкор "ћарат"!" ѕли!"  апитан "ћарата" доблестный кн€зь  ропоткин заметил, что "ƒиана" прицеливаетс€ по нему. "ƒесантируемс€!" - заорал он и первый же последовал своей команде, а остальной экипаж дружно ломанулс€ за ним. ”дачно плюхнувшись в сугроб среди падающих градом обломков "ћарата", кн€зь потЄр виски снегом и воскликнул: "ƒа здравствует »нтернационал! ƒа, и тво€ иде€ пить побольше нарзана тоже хороша, –озочка..."
    "Ќаш старый дедушка Ћукич не очень умно заклинал нас поменьше злоупотребл€ть нарзаном, ‘анечка, - сказала –оза, - а мы всЄ равно будем!"
    "ƒа, - сказала ‘анни, - а € бы сейчас треснула эвианской стакашок-другой-третий"
    "¬от победим - и всЄ будет наше! ÷елые онсэны воды! ƒаже купатьс€ можно будет в ней!"
    Ђ∆аль, что € не угробила на месте нашего хрыча Ћукича, - сказала ‘анни, - но тогда у мен€ просто не было подход€щего оружи€ї » ‘анни погладила рукой лакированную поверхность кобуры-приклада своего верного маузера.
    Ђƒа тебе просто барахло подарил твой г..назистик, - сказала –оза, - с перламутровой руко€ткой, фи!ї
    Ђƒа уж, ты точно умеешь выбирать подарки лучше, чем кто-либої
    ¬ это врем€ —аша  оллонтайЕ
    Ќет, нам важно знать, что происходит на мостике зловещей скалой темнеющего впереди линкора Ђ„Єрна€ —мертьї, где коварна€ јнастаси€ –оманова жестоко пытала расп€того на шпалере алых роз ѕавку  орчагина.
    јнастаси€ подошла и воткнула ему в грудь свой длинный и острый, как у суккуба, коготь.
    Ђ„Є, не больно? Ц ехидно произнесла она. Ц Ќе притвор€йс€. ѕросто тебе нравитс€, € знаю. ј вот что € сейчас сделаюЕї » она собралась поцеловать его. Ќо тут ѕавка вдруг бешено рванулс€, его лева€ рука оказалась свободна, и он схватил јнастасию пр€мо за глотку, как цыплЄнка!
    Ђ“ы сме€ласьЕ - беззвучно кричал он. Ц “ы смотрела, как гибнет трудовой народ, как дети надрываютс€ по четырнадцать часов в день и получают за это миску пустой похлЄбки, и сме€лась. “ы издевалась, совету€ нам попробовать устрицы, чтобы получить побольше протеинов, расходуемых при физических нагрузкахЕї
    Ѕездыханный труп јнастасии, как шЄлкова€ тр€пка, упал к ногам ѕавки.
    Ђ—вобода. Ц произнЄс ѕавка. Ц Ћьды јрктики, небо јрктики станут свободными!ї
    √лавный акустик Ђƒианыї ®лочка ѕанеева, котора€ так хотела стать великим музыкантом, но успела только раз сыграть дл€ —талина и  рупской, сидевших перед собранным со всех ƒомов ѕионеров юных музыкантов в пустом зале в полвторого ночи летом 41-го, а потом сразу попала на фронт и при своЄм абсолютном слухе тотчас была назначена в акустики, не в силах была отн€ть эбонитовых чашечек от своих маленьких, но удивительно чутких ушей. —лЄзы сто€ли в еЄ глазах, они сверкали, как осколки горного хрустал€.
    –оза подошла к ней. ѕоложила руку на худенькое плечико ®лочки.
    Ђ»дЄм, - она говорила это уже не в первый раз, - слышишь, нам надо торопитьс€. Ќас зажали льды, вода уже стоит в машинном отделении, реактор долго не выдержитї
    Ђя слышала последние слова нашего ѕавкиЕї - наконец собралась с духом ®лочка.
    Ђ„то он сказал?ї - вс€ кровь отхлынула от лица –озы.
    Ђјх, –озочкаЕї - сказала ®лочка. —вою нехитрую ложь она сочла за большой подвиг Ц эта ложь могла исцелить душевную рану женщины, страдани€ которой она видела изо дн€ в день и которую считала величайшей женщиной в мире.
    ¬ это врем€ юный пилот, ¬олод€ ƒубинин, поставил на носовой обтекатель своего Ђ—таль-Xї маленькую девочку. Ёто еЄ он вЄз, оберега€ от атак фашистских коршунов. “оненька€, как степна€ былинка, ћамлакат ћамаева огл€нулась назад и сказала:
    ЂЌачинай, ¬окаї
    ¬олод€ расколол стекл€нную ампулу, в ней было четыре листочка тончайшей бумаги. ќн развернул первый.
    Ђ„то за небесной синевой
    —окрыто от детей заблудших?ї
    ћамлакат тотчас отозвалась, будто в неком странном трансе:
    ЂЌадежда на исход Ц »згой,
    ¬ объ€ть€ матери ведущий!ї
    —разу за этими словами льды јрктики вдруг стали превращатьс€ в мельчайшие льдинки, а потом вовсе исчезать на глазах!
    ¬олод€ продолжил:
    Ђƒорога јнгелов лежит
      вратам ¬еликого ѕотока!ї
    » тотчас звонко раздалс€ ответ ћамлакат:
    Ђ¬етров ќбитель сохранит
    ≈го без времени и срока!ї
    ¬еками бушующие над јрктикой вихри вдруг стали стихать. ¬скоре уже было слышно только, как позванивают в бескрайних водах последние льдинки да по-кут€чьи т€вкают бельки тюленей.
    Ђѕшеницы золотистой волны
    » жизнь ¬есны несЄт дыханье!ї
    Ђѕолей бескрайних златом полны
    «емли старинные предань€!ї - во весь голос выкрикнула ћамлакат.
    “отчас безжизненные базальтовые плато «емли —анникова и «емли ћарии на глазах заколосились. —реди колосьев тут и там виднелись алые маки, лазоревые васильки, от стрекота кузнечиков кружилась голова.
    ¬олод€ немного помедлил, развернув последний листок.
    Ђ„то пам€ть в глубине, не зна€,
    ’ранит любого человека?ї
    Ёти слова ћамлакат произнесла совсем негромко, но их слышали все. ѕотому что сто€ла полна€ тишина, никто даже не дышал.
    Ђќтвет Ц планета голуба€,
    ∆ивого јльфа и ќмегаї
     ак из-под земли куда ни гл€нь, до бескрайних пределов выросли кажущиес€ сказочной фата-морганой здани€, похожие на необработанные кристаллы горного хрустал€ и грубо отЄсанные блоки мрамора и песчаника. ћежду ними прот€нулись невесомыми паутинками виадуки, по ним гусеничками поползли экспрессы, капельками росы засверкали стекл€нные купола, комариками и стрекозками запорхали диковинные летательные машины. Ќебо как будто вывернулось, приобрело странный оттенок, в нЄм совсем близко повис огромный шар Ц друга€ планета, така€ близка€ и при этом загадочна€, таинственна€Е “ам сто€ли люди, похожие на нас, и взирали на нас с таким же удивлением и восторгом, как мы на нихЕ
    Ђћы сможем жить на той планете, - сказала –оза, вз€в за руку ‘анни, - ведь там живут “офсла и ¬исфла, сказку о которых мы так любили, когда были маленькимиї
    ј в густой, как сосновый бор, траве, сто€ли “офсла и ¬исфла в коротенькихсла платьицслах и блюмерслах, и чмокслали другсла другслу в курнослые нослы.
    ј в кубрике ошвартованной на вечную сто€нку Ђјврорыї сидел старый кочегар »ван √риценко, д€д€ ¬олоди ƒубинина.
    Ђѕойми, - трепал он за плечо сид€щего р€дом ћиню  равчика, - мы построим здесь самый большой, самый лучший пионерлагерь, теб€ назначим там главным начальником, к тебе будут приезжать заморские принцы и принцессы и потом переписыватьс€ с нашими пионерами и пионерками!ї
    Ђ“ак ведьЕї
    Ђ“ак ведь никакой п€той графы больше не будет никогда! Ѕудет одна национальность дл€ всех Ц свободные люди!ї
    Ђƒа ты плачешь, старик!ї
    Ђ—тарик?  то?!ї - »ван отбросил все условности и привычно скрутил ћиньку цыганской ухваткой.
    ЂЌо ты ведь не отрицаешь, верно?ї
    ЂЌет, это не слЄзы, - радостно промолвил »ван, - это вода Ц вода лучше, чем любой Ѕоржоми!ї
    Ќа высоком бугре у синей реки сто€ли в р€д простой советский пионер, член ƒќ—јј‘ и јвиахима ¬олод€ ƒубинин, проста€ советска€ пионерка “он€ ѕашухина, будущий врач, проста€ советска€ пионерка ћамлакат ћамаева Ц будущий создатель машин, которые замен€т миллионы рук на хлопковых пол€х, проста€ советска€ пионерка „ечек “орбогошева, котора€ засеет семенами €блонь ещЄ неизвестных люд€м сортов ещЄ не открытые планеты, будуща€ велика€ виолистка ≈лена ѕалеева, будущий заслуженный учитель японии “амэо √эн, будущий капитан межзвЄздного лайнера Ќааль —нег, будущий исследователь океанских глубин јран —ингх, будущий бравый офицер ‘антом фон ’арлок, будуща€ заботлива€ мама, бабушка и прабабушка нескольких дес€тков славных реб€т, уже успевша€ повоевать в јстурии Ёмеральдас ѕрометес Ц простые советские пионеры.
    Ђ¬ойна закончилась навсегда, - думал ¬олод€ ƒубинин, - мечта, за которую отдали жизнь наши отцы, сбылась. “еперь мы будем строить новый мир Ц мир, о котором мечтали наши отцыї
    ¬ысокий белокурый парень с полоской Ц знаком фронтового ранени€ на г..настЄрке задумчиво касалс€ ладонью ещЄ благоухающих смолой брЄвен новенького сруба. ¬ бескрайних золотистых пол€х виднелась вихраста€ макушка 5-летнего ¬арьки ћойсеновича, упорно настаивавшего на обращении Ђ¬арфоломейї вместо девчоночьего Ђ¬арькаї Ц отец высоко подн€л его на руках, чтобы тот посмотрел вдаль. ЋЄгкий, будто кошачьей лапкой, удар воздуха пригладил ¬арькин чубчик Ц это над полем пронЄсс€ лЄгкий Ђяк-37ї ¬олоди и “они.
    “он€, как штурман, должна была следить за приборами, но надЄжна€ машина не нуждалась в этом посто€нно, умна€ автоматика контролировала все нюансы еЄ состо€ни€, и “он€ просто слегка сдвинула форточку фонар€ Ц и вдохнула свежесть, которую не смог бы передать словами самый талантливый поэт.
    Ђ√р€ды белоснежных облаков, холодное дуновение ветра в лицо Ц мы полетим так высоко, так далеко, как никто до нас, ведь это наше небо!ї

    “ак вот, был такой товарищ, его все называли Ќержавеющий  рыс, потому что он был очень, очень лихой парень и ничего не бо€лс€. ≈го окружили ‘—Ѕ, ќћќЌ, группа "јльфа", и ему некуда было деватьс€. Ќо у него был товарищ - √Ќ”—, т.е. √енеральной Ќалоговой ”правы —отрудник, а дл€ друзей ЋЄн€ ∆аботинский. ЋЄн€ велел какому-то пост-интеллигенту припарковать за ближайшим углом л€гушкомобиль - это така€ машина с лапами, как у л€гушки, она передвигаетс€ длинными прыжками. ѕод прикрытием ЋЄни друзь€ стали отступать в направлении л€гушкомобил€. » когда они очутились в его анатомически выверенных ложементах с жЄстко зафиксированными шеститочечными креплени€ми страховочных прив€зей - они были спасены. ѕотому что ни роторно-поршневые мотоциклы ‘—Ѕ, ни бронированные трЄхосные фургоны ќћќЌа с газовыми трубинами, ни ƒѕ—ные машины на воздушной подушке с “–ƒ не смогли т€гатьс€ с л€гушкомобилем в плотном городском потоке. “от легко перескакивал даже через трЄхдечные четырЄхсекционные ƒедалусы и ћинотаурусы. ј с моносекционными «иЋами, шесть пар сфер которых позвол€ли им кружитьс€ с лЄгкостью ћайи ѕлисецкой и протискиватьс€ даже в щель между автоматами по продаже спичек и почтовых марок и стекл€нной коробочкой кафе-мороженого, л€гушкомобиль расправл€лс€ легче, чем ¬алера Ѕрумель с порогом собственной квартиры. ќднако затем пошли спальные районы. Ћ€гушкомобиль отча€нно скакал вдоль многовЄрстного бетонного забора, но погон€ уже дышала в затылок и леденила дулом нагана.
    "—ворачивай! - приказал  рыс чаплиноусому пост-интеллигенту. “от вт€нул кЄртисобриолиновую голову в фэрбэнксоватные плечи.
    "я же не знаю, что там. - пробормотал он нервозным речитативом. - ћожет, там ћайбахи –осавтоимпорта, вы представл€ете, что с нами сделают эти дикие сыны гор, если с их товаром что-то произойдЄт?"
    "“ак и так пропадать, - спокойным тоном произнЄс  рыс и щЄлкнул предохранителем своего люгера, который давно уже держал упЄртым дулом в основание черепа пост-интеллигента  шан€.
     шань дЄрнул кадыком и отча€нно перекинул рычаг управлени€. «а забором оказались свалки и буераки, л€гушкомобиль запрыгал по ним, как заправска€ л€гушка по кочкам, так что преследователи вновь были посрамлены.
    ¬от на что иной раз могут сгодитьс€ столь необычные, специфические, конструктивно сложные и материалоЄмкие движители, обладающие значительными неподрессоренными массами.


    ј как насчЄт гвадалахарас камрадас маринос дель барко руссо? Ѕыл рассказ "ƒиско" - собственно про патефонную пластинку с записью выступлени€ Ћенина, там рассказываетс€ про пир, который задали жители деревни... нет, не ¬иллариба, а Ћаванка, то есть дика€ утка, гост€м с советского теплопародымоуглехода " омсомолец" - помполиту, боцману и корабельной техработнице “ане Ѕацмановой. “ам ещЄ крутили кино про „апаева, и когда јнка начала кромсать из "максима" марширующих пр€мо на неЄ молодых красивых белых офицеров, то это привело гор€чих испанцев в такой восторг и “ан€ сразу полетела к потолку, так что вс€ »спани€ узнала, что советские девушки предпочитают надевать под платье. “ак вот деревенский староста по прозвищу  атаплазма, то есть припарка, заранее заготовил противни размером с танцпол и несколько бочек керосина, потому что ‘эйри ещЄ не было в продаже из-за гражданской войны, как и нижнего бель€, так что выручали лишь советские паропромтовароходчики. ќни же и керосином снабжали, который использовалс€ буквально дл€ всего, даже от вшей и вместо дезодоранта. ј вместо косметики девушки пользовались пустыми банками от джема, анилиновыми чернилами, химическими карандашами и сапожной ваксой. ¬ымажутс€ и станут вполне похожи на готовых к последнему и решительному бою с бледнолицыми индейцев. Ќо как испанские девочки-подростки, задрав подолы, эти противни на карачках отдраивали, будет потом. ј сейчас € расскажу про пир. ѕир был на весь мир.   сожалению, не все смогли присутствовать, потому что недавно были бомбЄжки, одни отправились на тот свет, а другие их зарывать. Ќу и прибрать улицу от рук, ног, голов, а то дл€ советских людей это непривычно. –азбитую хижину ковром завесить, коровий труп под живую скотину закамуфлировать и какого-нибудь ребЄнка внутрь зашить, чтоб кричал, а казалось, что корова мычит...
    Ќажарили на противн€х валенсийского рису с какой-то др€нью - жабами, головастиками, л€гушачьей икрой, пи€вками... “о-то было потом работы бедным испанским девочкам-подросткам это на карачках отдраивать и €зыками подлизывать.  стати, вы не смотрите, что они подростки. ” нас ина€ гражданка четвЄртый дес€ток размен€ет и два раза замужем побывает, а и то как-то не дот€гивает до испанского подростка. Ќе испанска€ у неЄ стать... ќни там, хоть и подростки, но уже не девочки, да и замужем все. «а каким-нибудь быкобоем.  оторый быка сзади как возьмЄт - и пошла бедна€ скотина на котлеты... ј пьют они вместо воды кровь свежеразодранных как фашистский флаг быков.
    “ак вот. ѕили на пиру вино. ѕричЄм на выт€нутой руке поднимали кувшин и старались поймать струю ртом. ѕо-испанскому обычаю - напейс€ да не облейс€. » не поймай вместо струи вина струю какого-нибудь испанского шутника, который стоит над твоей головой на стене, а ты этого не замечаешь.
    ”пились в стельку. ¬ которой фрекен Ѕочина выступала перед всем шведским народом с рассказом о том, как приготовить блюдо страшнее всей испанской кухни разом, главное - на лисий €д не пошведитьс€.
    Ќу а дальше была развлекательна€ программа специально дл€ советских гостей. ѕосле упом€нутого широкоэкранного жЄсткоформатного показа блокбастера "„апаеффф" принесли патефон, который гости сначала прин€ли за костемольную машинку. “ем более в ней действительно что-то гремело пр€мо как груда костей. Ќо оказалось, что это растрескавшиес€ и щербатые, как собачь€ миска, пластинки. —реди них одна была завЄрнута в самую ценную мануфактуру - остатки нижних юбок жены  атаплазмы. —обственно это было всЄ, что от неЄ нашли после бомбЄжек. —еньор  атаплазма вз€л к себе взамен испанскую девочку-подростка, благо их немало в ходе всех этих бомбЄжек овдовело, а то, что осталось от прежней жены, сохранил как пам€ть и заодно использовал дл€ лучшей сохранности драгоценной пластинки. ќн установил еЄ на патефон, покрутил руко€тку, при этом советские гости оп€ть стали подозревать, что он зачем-то при них чьи-то кости мелет, ну и наконец пластинка закутилась, чей-то голос надсадно загундосил, занудил, забрызгал слюн€ми, закартавил, и этот голос был советскими гост€ми с отвращением тотчас же отловлен и опознан.
    - јх да, - сказали советские гости, - это наш старый дедушка Ћукич, а у вас-то это откуда и на кой собачий хрен вам надобно?
    - ќй, а мы не знали, - начал заслон€тьс€ ладон€ми камрад  атаплазма. - ј кто такой вообще этот Ћукич?
    - Ќу, это как бы тот, из-за кого у вас тут всЄ разбомблено в хлам и вам приходитс€ посто€нно мен€ть то жЄн, то мужей.
    - ”ррррааааа! Ѕраво! Ѕис! √ип-гип! ѕхай-пхай! Heil! ¬ива руссо Ћукич! - заорали в ответ обрадованные испанцы и  ат€Fragma облегчЄнно утЄрс€ оборкой от бывшей нижней юбки своей разбомбленной (хар€  ришне, а то бы его самого разбомбила в паэлью утюгом или сковородкой) жены.  ругом были не только большевики, но и меньшевики, и анархисты, и вс€кие прыгуны с тр€сунами, свидетел€ми »еговы и тренерами по тхэквондо. » какие-то жирные волосатые полуголые пь€ные накуренные совершенно забубЄнные физруки в обнимку с совершенно неиспанскими недевочками, хот€ и школьного возраста, но всЄ равно совершенно неграмотными и знающими только одно ходовое слово на французском. » почтенного дона  отопл€мбу ничего по большому счЄту не волновало.
    «абега€ немного вперЄд, скажу, что сразу после отъезда русичей-мореманов деревню добомбили наконец и остатки еЄ населени€ в виде мадам Karen Rambla (поскольку на месье результат травматической кастрации осколком фугаса уже не т€нул) спешно оставили эти рубежи, прижима€ к рЄбрам главную ценность (вы догадатись, какую - маразматичное хрюканье Ћукича, записанное на раскатанный в блин комок какашек тропического шеллачного жука), потому что других ценностей не было - всЄ равно их бы отобрали на любом из блокпостов да ещЄ и вздЄрнули бы на рее, как контрабандиста.  аждый блокопост устанавливал в своих кра€х собственную монополию на пропуск любых товаров и живых (пока ещЄ...) существ. ћисс (уже и дл€ мадам ничего не было) Katyo Ranma, по счастью, не облегчили участь ударом штыка на попавшемс€ блокпосту и даже выслушали шипение сквозь остатки челюстей, и даже поверили в существование какого-то неведомого Ћукича - цар€ и бога, хот€ на этикетке disco было проставлено с фитами и €т€ми "»мператорский и королевский артист маэстро г-н сэр  атщ€loveфfвъ".
    » в бой орда мань€ков и отморозков шла под "—мело мы в бой пойдЄм за бога, императора, отечество и животноводство" в исполнении Ћукича на раритетной пластинке, за которую, если б наши сейчас, дали бы на аукционе хоть полсотни монет и мои девочки купили бы себе новые чулки взамен того, что ещЄ осталось от старых, а то приходитс€ им, бедным, сейчас косить под панкушек. » как мощный эпилог надо было бы дать фотокадр с испанскими замужними недевочками подростками, драющими замызганные противни, но € боюсь, что здесь могут быть сердечники, так что на этом наша истори€ об испанской кухне, любви мире во всЄм мире окончена.
    “хе finita der hentaibukakkegraphiqueмачапикча ди кинокомеди€. “очка, и ша! » ћухомор-ѕоган-ѕаша ќгнев, знаменитый кинопостановщик  рапивина и “олкина с участием не то Ћеонова, не то —ветина в роли м-ра ¬зззчобота.
    «анавес. “ут зрители аплодируют, аплодируют, всЄ, € сказал, больше аплодировать не надо. —пасибо за внимание. ¬ экран кошачьей лапкой. Ѕольшое вам всем Ќя ^^

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